New England Goalkeeper Following Croatian Result

England have announced the identity of their new goalkeeper for future fixtures. The challenging position has been awarded to a large cardboard box. Apparently the box has proved immensely successful in recent training sessions. It's secret is the ability to blow unpredictably across the goal mouth and has saved every shot that the best English strikers, plus Wayne Rooney, have tested it with.Manager Steve McLaren revealed that of 20 penalty shots from the English strikers, 10 had gone over the bar, 6 had gone wide, 3 had hit the post and the one on target was saved by the cardboard box 'no problem.'He refused to comment on reports that the original proto-type had been destroyed by Wayne Rooney when he lost his temper after failing to get anything past the box. 'Wayne very rarely gets anything into the box, never mind past it' said Stephen Gerrard, who wished to remain anonymous.FIFA have welcomed the move, pointing out that it will save a fortune in wages, make the game more competitive, and stop people complaining that there are too many foreigners in the premiership. 'We're using a Bovril box made in England' revealed McLaren, 'and the added bonus is that I'll be able to sleep in it when I get sacked next week.'FIFA also revealed that the box will have more charisma than the rest of the team put together and that there is no way for a ball to run over the boxes foot and into the goal, as 'boxes don't have feet.'In a seperate move, we can reveal that the application for the entire England team to join Northern Ireland has been turned down. 'None of them are good enough' said manager Lawrie Sanchez. 'If any of them played for Hartlepool reserves like our lads, we might consider it, but they're all in poncy clubs like Man U.'England's crisis deepened as David Beckham ruled out a return to the squad, revealing that his tears in the final world cup match against Portugal had been because 'I broke a nail' and 'one of those foreigners stood on my toe. I'm not going back never never never.'Former manager Sven Goran-Erikkson, speaking from his palace in the south of France, confirmed that the team's problem was 'they were a bunch of wimps and mummy's boys, not hard and street-tough like me.'England's next fixture is against San Marino reserves. Steve McLaren warned the nation that they should 'brace themselves for a heavy defeat.' The cardboard box was unavailable for comment as it was 'getting it's hair done.'