Ireland is an island to the west of Britain but Northern Ireland is
> just off the mainland – not the Irish mainland, the British mainland.
> The capital of Ireland is Dublin . It has a population of a million
> people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They
> travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of
> Ireland , but still pay in Euros.
> Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be in Ireland , but a
> successful 30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that
> it is now definitely in the UK . Had the campaign lasted longer the
> North might now be in France .
> Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland . It has a population of
> half a million, half of whom have houses in Donegal. Donegal is in the
> north but not in the North. It is in the South. No, not the south, the
> There are two parliaments in Ireland . The Dublin parliament is called
> the Dáil, (pronounced “Doyle”), an Irish word meaning a place where
> banks receive taxpayers’ money.The one in Belfast is called Stormont,
> an Anglo-Saxon word meaning placebo, or deliberately ineffective drug.
> Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary
> line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump chemical waste.
> Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of
> pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are opposed to it.
> Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the
> only country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North
> goes west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to
> avoid the price of drink.
> We have two types of democracy in Ireland . Dublin democracy works by
> holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the
> result. If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum
> is held again. Twice in recent years the government decided the
> people’s choice was wrong and ordered a new referendum.
> Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no
> opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates
> envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin .
> Ireland has three economies – northern, southern and black. Only the
> black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.
> All versions of the IRA claim to be the real IRA but only one of them
> is the Real IRA. The North’s biggest industry is the production of
> IRAs. Consequently, we now have the Provisional, Continuity and Real
> IRA. The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti
> writers simply because it is the easiest to spell.
Rachel Tucker Live @ The Theatre Cafe
3 months ago